Self-deception: we all do it

We all at times, engage in some level of self-deception. We come up with stories for why we can’t seem to find time to do things that matter to us, why our relationship failed, or why that argument went the way it did. We justify and rationalise; we convince ourselves and others that we have done all we can, we’re the “good ones” in this story and whatever mistakes we made were small and accounted for. We find loved ones who comfort us and tell us we deserve better.

This process makes sense. It is incredibly excruciating to completely face up to our weaknesses or to see things from another person’s perspective when we are so caught in our own pain.

It is also incredibly necessary to have the support and acceptance of our loved ones.

Yet, if, on some level, we know…
- we aren’t achieving our valued goals, or
- we didn’t act with integrity in our relationship, or
- we are downplaying our contribution to the problem in the stories we share with our loved ones and to ourselves, or
- there is more that we can do to repair the situation than we are admitting

…those lies will catch up with our feelings about ourselves over time.

We are delaying the pain of self-honesty for the eventual cost of self-deception.

• We may continue to struggle with our self-esteem because we know that we have not kept our words to ourselves, because we know we’re intentionally avoiding a part of us that needs looking into.

• We may lose a relationship or opportunity that matter to us, and always live with the regret or wonderings of 'what if'?

It can be reassuring to hear comforting words from loved ones, but the reassurance is temporary.

I see my work as a therapist to involve gently helping you to confront your failings and your blindspots. We need to do the work of honestly keeping ourselves accountable to the goals and values that matter to us, while also compassionately holding our flawed selves from despairing into complete self-loathing.

Essentially, we need to do the work of confronting ourselves without crushing ourselves.

I can’t help but to place a disclaimer here that being honest with yourself isn’t the same as being hard on yourself. We can get caught up in scathing self-hate without actually addressing our weaknesses. Equally important, we can be holding ourselves accountable yet be too punitive and demanding of ourselves, excessively taking ownership of what isn’t our responsibility or within our control. As with anything posted here, your context and your specific psychology, matter. Take this with discernment.

A relevant term for these parts of us that we prefer to keep hidden is “shadow parts” (alternatively, “shadow sides” or “shadow selves”). Exploring our shadow is scary but it can be tremendously helpful for our growth. See below infographic for more information.

https://www.kakipsychology.com.au/s/NICABM-Infographic-Shadow-Side-a9y6.jpg

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Self-awareness is the foundation of personal growth, emotional intelligence, and healthier relationships. If you often feel stuck in recurring patterns, struggle to understand your emotions, or want to break free from self-sabotaging behaviours, therapy can help. At Kaki Psychology, I work with clients to deepen their self-understanding, develop emotional clarity, and create meaningful change in their lives.

📍 Kaki Psychology, Prahran, Melbourne
✉️ Book a session today by completing the Contact Form
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For more insights on building emotional skills, improving relationships, and managing life’s challenges, check out my video reels on Instagram (@kakipsychology). These bite-sized psychoeducation clips offer practical strategies to help you cultivate emotional awareness, improve communication, and navigate relationships with confidence. Follow along for more expert guidance!