Regret - why it’s important and how to harness its power

As we approach the end of the year, we often find ourselves reflecting on our lives. We consider what we are grateful for and what we have accomplished. However, it is equally important to think about areas where we may not have performed as well and what we would like to improve. This typically evokes feelings of regret.

Are there things you feel guilty or regretful about this year? Have you let yourself down, or perhaps disappointed others? What amends would you like to make? What changes would you like to hold yourself accountable for?

Regret can be a frightening emotion to experience. Many of us might avoid acknowledging it because doing so could demand us to confront uncomfortable feelings or truths about ourselves. When faced with regret, we might feel pressured to take action or make changes that we’re not ready to consider. Additionally, we may struggle to accept that we have not lived up to our values or acted with integrity.

It’s important we don’t avoid these feelings. Rather, we confront them honestly and curiously. Because this self-knowledge, this accurate identification, this regret and desire to make amends or do better — is at the heart of humility, openness, and ongoing change and growth. This reflection can also enhance the likelihood of achieving the resolutions we often set for the new year.

While we shouldn’t treat ourselves as projects to be perfected, it’s also important not to lose hope in change nor the intention to improve altogether.

In this process of introspection, you may discover that you need to address the root causes of your feelings of shame, or you might find that you are burdened by unwarranted or excessive shame. Chances are, you will need to address both.

This involves making room to honestly accept your shortcomings and reactive tendencies, to acknowledge the legacy of your early experiences in shaping your beliefs and behaviours in your interactions, WHILE also forgiving yourself. This journey may evoke a sinking feeling in your stomach, a hard lump you’re struggling to swallow, a visceral feeling of wanting to get away from those thoughts of your past decisions. However, this process is also healthy and important to connect us to what we value instead of potentially living a life of avoidance, denial, and superficial approval.

If you let it, regret can help clarify and instruct.

“If we know what we truly regret, we know what we truly value.” - Daniel Pink, author of The Power of Regret

Nevertheless, some of us may be so deeply entrenched in regret that we get comfortably stuck there, living in Only If’s and hopelessness about our ability to change. For regret to be constructive rather than a plunge into rumination, we need to adopt an observer role in considering the regret.

Yes, external factors influenced your actions, and many contextual or circumstantial elements contributed to your behaviour.

• What are those factors? Understanding these influences can empower you to make more informed decisions and take control of your personal growth.

• Knowing them, is there anything you’d do differently to give yourself more space for influencing your own experience and response to the situation?

Yes, the other party was not without flaws. They, too, have room for improvement, and you have justified reasons for your actions.

• However, when it’s quiet at night, or when memories of the incident flash through your mind without the input of others, how do you genuinely feel about it? Do you wish you had acted differently?

• What could assist you in aligning more closely with your values next time? Get specific.

• What opportunities exist right now that you can seize to begin making those changes instead of waiting for ‘next time’ or when conditions are ‘more perfect’? What amends do you need to make?

• Are there trusted individuals whose perspectives you can seek? Can you gather diverse viewpoints? It’s not about relying on their opinions to make your decisions; rather, it’s about broadening your perspective and enhancing your empathy.

• Often, we become so immersed in our own viewpoint that we reduce a multi-dimensional situation or person into a single-dimensional one. We may minimise context and history, overemphasise overt behaviours and neglect internal complexities, and continue to cling to narratives that are detrimental yet familiar and help justify our behaviours.

A word of caution: It’s natural to look back and wish we had done better without fully considering the limited resources we had at those times. When we are well-rested and nourished, and not stressed or activated, it’s easy to identify various ways we have fallen short. Yet, it’s essential to remember that we can only do our best with the resources available to us in each moment, and we are only human.

We can hold multiple truths simultaneously: You can focus on setting yourself up for living according to your values in the future while also graciously forgiving and accepting yourself for being human. We are shaped by our past, and change is undoubtedly hard work. However, we are not prisoners of our past. You don’t need to ignore your weaknesses to be at peace with yourself, nor do you have to berate yourself with searing judgement for making mistakes.

“When feeling is for thinking and thinking is for doing, regret is for making us better.”

“If our lives are the stories we tell ourselves, regret reminds us that we have a dual role. We are both the authors and the actors. We can shape the plot but not fully. We can toss aside the script but not always. We live at the intersection of free will and circumstance.”- Daniel Pink, author of The Power of Regret

Self-awareness is the foundation of personal growth, emotional intelligence, and healthier relationships. If you often feel stuck in recurring patterns, struggle to understand your emotions, or want to break free from self-sabotaging behaviours, therapy can help. At Kaki Psychology, I work with clients to deepen their self-understanding, develop emotional clarity, and create meaningful change in their lives.

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