Whose feelings are whose? Overcoming Codependence, People-Pleasing & Anxiety

Codependence, enmeshment, people pleasing, anxious attachment…the experience where we absorb the feelings of others show up in these various terms.

Whatever you may call it, and at whatever level of intensity it occurs at; this experience is a common, human one. We are porous to each other and that is a wonderful thing for connection. Yet, it can also confine us. We can feel guilty, feel “bad”, and make decisions based on those feelings.

Caring and taking care of others' feelings are separate things.

You may, at times, choose to take care of someone's feelings, and that makes sense in relationships. But chronic decision-making based on feelings of pressure leaves you living a life that is based on looking out at others, and none looking in towards yourself.

We don't like saying No, we're wired for connection and avoid anything that may jeopardise that. YET, we can learn to tolerate that discomfort, rather than be dictated by it. We've all learnt many other things in life - this is just another skill we can learn, and another habit we can unlearn :) You've got this! 

Guilt is when you have acted against your values. That is different from the feeling of pressure from others to meet their expectations, to comply with their definition of a "good [insert your role to them]", and to manage their feelings. 

• Note that this pressure isn't always from others. Sometimes, we get so good at internalising the pressure that we assume the expectations set for us. I've worked with clients who will share with me how L.I.B.E.R.A.T.I.N.G it was for them to say No to something and realise... IT WENT OKAY!!!! Most importantly, they found a new sense of respect and connection with themselves.

Also, note that this distinction between guilt (violation of value) and pressure (to meet expectations) can work both ways. If you're feeling bad about something, instead of merely projecting this onto others as the source of pressure and “making you” feel bad, you may discover that your feelings are alerting you to the fact that you're not living consistent with your values. Making this distinction is meant to be a step towards curiousity, not as a tool to justify a complete lack of consideration or compromise for others. 

Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is essential for self-respect, emotional well-being, and fulfilling relationships. If you struggle with people-pleasing, guilt, or feeling drained in your relationships, therapy can help you build the confidence to set clear, respectful boundaries. At Kaki Psychology, I support clients in developing assertiveness, recognising their needs, and creating relationships that feel balanced and supportive.

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Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is essential for self-respect, emotional well-being, and fulfilling relationships. If you struggle with people-pleasing, guilt, or feeling drained in your relationships, therapy can help you build the confidence to set clear, respectful boundaries. At Kaki Psychology, I support clients in developing assertiveness, recognising their needs, and creating relationships that feel balanced and supportive.

📍 Kaki Psychology, Prahran, Melbourne
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For more insights on building emotional skills, improving relationships, and managing life’s challenges, check out my video reels on Instagram (@kakipsychology). These bite-sized psychoeducation clips offer practical strategies to help you cultivate emotional awareness, improve communication, and navigate relationships with confidence. Follow along for more expert guidance!