Failure is a misunderstood friend — mistakes can “pay it forward”

Framing drives feelings.

What we repeat to ourselves and the perspective we choose largely shape how we feel about it. In particular, how we perceive failure will define our relationship with it.

Failure and mistakes are necessary for growth and learning. More importantly, it’s the price of admission into life, a cost of being human, and thus should not only be tolerated but embraced. It is bound to happen, and trying to avoid/prevent it comes at the cost of withdrawing from engaging with experiences.

Avoiding failure only traps us, preventing us from fully engaging in life.

When we hide our failures in shame, we hinder ourselves from fully accepting and acknowledging our mistakes. We distance ourselves from the failure, try to distract ourselves from it, deny it, justify it, or dismiss it. If we can lower the threat we feel from our failure, we can then get close enough to examine and learn from it.

One way to cope with failure is to set a higher goal, allowing your vision to expand beyond just the outcome. For instance, receiving critical feedback on a presentation can sting less when you’re aiming to turn it into a work project that will embellish your CV and help you apply for that next promotion. That feedback becomes the raw material for your project—think of it as a free trial with collected data as your content! If you receive critical feedback, sure, it will suck and perhaps feel humiliating, but if you stop repeating how humiliating it will be and instead repeat and refocus your perspective on how great it will be to get feedback that will grow you, you will be emboldened to do it. The whole endeavour, including the feedback, will feel a lot more meaningful rather than just a test to pass.

So when the fear of failure makes you want to shut down, ask yourself:

• What is more important? Protecting your feelings, or pursuing your valued projects and growth?

• How will these mistakes “pay it forward”, and benefit future situations/people I encounter?

**Of course, it’s important to acknowledge that failure can be higher stakes for some populations than others. For example, immigrants or international students are generally more limited in their opportunities and resources, possibly starting from “less” compared to locals, and sacrificing a lot more family and personal resources to pursue an education or life overseas. Hence, failure can hold a lot more consequences and meaning and, therefore, pressure.

Embrace the lesson, not the shame.

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Perfectionism and fear of failure can hold you back from reaching your potential. Therapy can help you break free from these limiting beliefs and develop a healthier mindset that embraces progress over perfection. If you’re ready to confront your fears and cultivate self-compassion, Kaki Psychology provides a safe, non-judgmental space for you to learn how to challenge self-critical thoughts and take meaningful steps toward your goals.

📍 Kaki Psychology, Prahran, Melbourne
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For more insights on building emotional skills, improving relationships, and managing life’s challenges, check out my video reels on Instagram (@kakipsychology). These bite-sized psychoeducation clips offer practical strategies to help you cultivate emotional awareness, improve communication, and navigate relationships with confidence. Follow along for more expert guidance!