The Trap of the Single Story: Why It Actually Hurts You

Have you ever found yourself emphasising certain aspects of your story to make it more convincing? We've all been there.

Especially when dealing with family, the temptation to simplify a complex situation is powerful.

Hear me out:

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As we enter adulthood, we may hold resentments from the past or look back and see connections between our upbringing and our current difficulties, such as:

• Assertive communication, confidence, self-worth, or people-pleasing,

• Difficulties with authority figures

• Relationships and attachment styles

• Ways of coping with hurt and conflict

This can bring up troublesome feelings. Or perhaps we may be testing out new ways of individuating and setting boundaries, and this is causing some tension with our family.

We may feel hurt, resentful, frustrated and a strong sense of injustice and deprivation. We may feel deprived or disadvantaged in some ways and sad for our younger selves. We might worry about the lasting effects on our lives now and feel broken compared to others. Yet, we may also feel guilty, grateful, longing, affection, nostalgia for shared moments, and concern. We may doubt ourselves, feel hopeless to bring things up, or feel like the aged parents we’re faced with now aren’t the same ones we are mad at.

Our feelings towards our family, especially our parents, are notoriously complicated. They are our first attachment figure, our first relationship, our entire world. As a child, what we learn or know to be LIFE, is mainly limited to our family ecosystem itself. So much of how we learn to feel about ourselves starts here.

Amidst this sea of newly-found strong and confusing emotions, we grasp for certainty.

We're worried about acknowledging our mixed feelings and ambivalence because that may lessen the legitimacy of our pain.

We’re worried that our hurt isn't "bad or justified enough" so we focus on specific evidences and build up the case for our pain.

Consequently, we might feel compelled to amplify our pain and simplify our perceptions of our parents, sometimes leaning on labels and rigid narratives to legitimise our pain.

This makes us appear more certain about our feelings than we truly are.

BUT HERE’S THE TRUTH : Human emotions are rarely black and white. We often don't just hold one feeling. We probably don't only hold one perspective either.

We're complex beings with multifaceted experiences, and that's especially true within family dynamics. It's entirely normal – and healthy – to hold a multitude of feelings, even contradictory ones, simultaneously. This internal conflict isn't a weakness; it's a testament to the intricate nature of family bonds.

Clinging on to a fixed narrative or simplified characterisation of our relationship with our parents is unhelpful and limiting. This is where social media messages, even well-meaning mental health trends, can sometimes miss the mark and inadvertently reinforce unhelpful messages.

BEWARE OF THE DANGER :

• Reducing complex individuals like your parents to one-dimensional caricatures.

• Reducing decades of complex family ecosystems and dynamics filled with small moments into a single, unyielding narrative.

• Can estrange us from our family, trapping us in a cycle of resentment.

• While this might feel momentarily useful, it ultimately does a disservice – both to our family and, more importantly, to ourselves.

WHY IS THIS SO DANGEROUS?

• Because reducing people to labels and simplifying their motivations prevents us from truly understanding them, and therefore, from understanding the dynamics at play.

• It closes the door to empathy, forgiveness, and potentially, healing. It keeps us trapped in a cycle of pain, anger, unforgiveness and unresolved conversations; reinforcing the very narrative we're trying to escape.

• Pain leads to more pain, causing us to entrench ourselves deeper in our oversimplified stories, suppressing other emotions and viewpoints that feel too threatening to confront. As a result, we may stray further from what we truly desire: inner freedom, connection, happiness, and meaning.

[Why am I taking the risk to explore such a complicated, divisive topic?] Because I deeply care about my clients’ well-being and I have witnessed the pain and disconnection within many who are estranged from their parents.

WHAT IS THE WAY FORWARD?

• Allow yourself the space to embrace the ambivalence, the "yes, and" of family relationships. Recognise that your pain is valid, even if it's intertwined with other, more positive feelings.

• It's in this messy, nuanced space that true understanding and growth can occur. By letting go of the need for a single, definitive story, we open ourselves up to a more authentic and, ultimately, more healing experience of our family relationships. We allow for the possibility of complexity, the acknowledgment of our own part in the dynamic, and the potential for a more compassionate and fulfilling future.

As a psychologist, I see my role as crucial in holding space to witness and validate your pain WHILE also holding space for exploring the nuance.

Doing so doesn't minimise your pain. Instead, it empowers you to move through it. We can build prisons in our minds by clinging too tightly to one version of events, even ones where we cast ourselves as the "good guy".

• Nuance is where change and work can happen, where we can develop a perspective and healing that we could not before. Looking for nuance helps activate empathy, allowing our pain to not be the only feeling that matters. It opens up a path through our pain.

• Often, clients who are ready for change readily recognise their mixed feelings, acknowledging the internal or external pressures to present a more certain, even condemning, narrative than they truly feel.

The journey towards healing within family relationships isn't easy, but it is possible. It requires courage to confront the complexities of your experience, to acknowledge the full spectrum of your emotions, and to let go of the need for a simplified narrative. Therapy can be an invaluable tool in this process, providing a supportive environment to explore these nuanced feelings, identify unhelpful patterns, and develop healthier ways of relating. It's a space where you can safely unpack your story, piece by piece, without judgment, and begin to rewrite it in a way that honors your truth while also opening the door to greater understanding and compassion.

Remember, embracing the grey areas isn't about excusing harmful behaviour; it's about freeing yourself from the prison of rigid narratives and creating space for a more authentic and fulfilling future.

Take the first step today. Explore therapy options, journal your thoughts, and begin the work of untangling the complexities of your family relationships. Hope and healing are possible, even amidst the most challenging circumstances.

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Family relationships can be complex, shaped by deep-rooted patterns and unspoken expectations. Whether you’re dealing with conflict, emotional distance, or past wounds, therapy can help you navigate family dynamics with greater clarity, self-awareness, and resilience. At Kaki Psychology, I work with clients to untangle these patterns, set healthy boundaries, and respond to family challenges in ways that align with their well-being.

📍 Kaki Psychology, Prahran, Melbourne
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For more insights on building emotional skills, improving relationships, and managing life’s challenges, check out my video reels on Instagram (@kakipsychology). These bite-sized psychoeducation clips offer practical strategies to help you cultivate emotional awareness, improve communication, and navigate relationships with confidence. Follow along for more expert guidance!