The Secret to Lasting Love: Why Repair Attempts Make or Break Your Relationship

The Power of Repair Attempts: The Key to Lasting Relationships

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. No matter how deeply connected a couple is, disagreements, misunderstandings, and moments of disconnection will happen. But what truly determines the success and longevity of a relationship is not the absence of conflict—it’s how a couple repairs after a rupture.

What the Research Says

According to decades of research by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, co-founders of The Gottman Institute, one of the most significant predictors of a couple’s long-term success is their ability to make and accept repair attempts—those small or large gestures aimed at de-escalating tension, reconnecting, and rebuilding emotional safety. The Gottmans’ research, which has studied thousands of couples over the years, found that couples who effectively repair after conflict are far more likely to stay together and experience deep, fulfilling relationships. In contrast, couples who struggle with repair attempts often experience ongoing resentment, emotional distance, and eventual relationship breakdown.

What Is a Repair Attempt?

A repair attempt is any statement or action—verbal or nonverbal—that helps reduce negativity, soften conflict, and re-establish emotional connection. These attempts can be as simple as an apology, a touch, a shared joke, or even an acknowledgment of tension. What matters is that these gestures communicate a willingness to mend the disconnection.

The Gottmans discovered that it’s not the frequency of conflict that determines relationship success, but rather a couple’s ability to repair. In other words, even happy, successful couples argue—the difference is that they know how to reconnect afterward.

The Danger of Failed Repair Attempts

The inability to successfully repair after conflict is a serious problem in relationships. When repair attempts are ignored, dismissed, or met with further hostility, resentment builds, and emotional safety deteriorates. Over time, unresolved conflicts accumulate, leading to a breakdown in communication, decreased intimacy, and ultimately, relationship dissolution.

Some common reasons why repair attempts fail include:

• Defensiveness kicks in – Instead of receiving the repair, one or both partners feel the need to justify their position or prove they are “right.”

• High Emotional Arousal: When partners are flooded with emotions, they may not recognise or accept repair attempts.

• Harsh Start-ups: If repair attempts are phrased in a blaming or critical manner, they may not be received well.

• Unresolved Past Wounds: If there is lingering hurt from past conflicts, new repair attempts may feel insufficient.

• Lack of Trust: If partners have a history of dismissing each other’s needs, repair attempts might feel insincere.

How to Make Successful Repair Attempts

The good news is that repair is a skill that can be learned and strengthened. Here are some practical ways to improve repair attempts in your relationship:

1. Recognize the Importance of Repair
   Acknowledge that disconnection is normal and that actively repairing is essential for relationship health.

2. Lower Your Defenses
   In conflict, it’s easy to become defensive. Instead, try to stay open to your partner’s repair attempt, even if you still feel hurt or frustrated.

3. Use Gentle Language
   Gottman’s research emphasises the importance of soft start-ups—beginning conversations with kindness rather than blame. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I’m feeling unheard, and I’d love for us to find a way to work through this together.”

4. Nonverbal Repairs Matter
   Sometimes, a hug, a smile, or holding your partner’s hand can communicate repair more effectively than words.

5. Accept Your Partner’s Repair Attempts
   Even if it doesn’t come in the exact way you expect, try to recognise and appreciate your partner’s effort to mend the connection.

6. Make Repairs Sooner Rather Than Later
   The longer a conflict festers, the harder it is to repair. If possible, try to repair within a reasonable time frame before resentment builds.

7. Practice Humor and Playfulness
   Playfulness can be a powerful tool in repair. A lighthearted joke or a shared inside joke can sometimes be enough to defuse tension.

8. Seek Professional Support If Needed
   If repair attempts frequently fail, or if conflict patterns seem entrenched, working with a couples therapist can provide guidance on how to strengthen communication and repair strategies.

Final Thoughts

Every relationship will experience moments of rupture, but the strongest relationships are built on the ability to repair. Conflict does not mean failure—it’s how couples navigate and mend those conflicts that determine their long-term happiness.

By prioritising repair, approaching each other with openness, and fostering a culture of connection, couples can build relationships that not only survive but truly thrive.

Do you and your partner struggle with repair after conflict? Reflect on how you currently navigate disconnection and consider how you can introduce more effective repair attempts into your relationship starting today.

These conflicts can be incredibly painful. Ruptures from our significant attachment figure, like our partners, can be destabilising. It can feel like your world is turned upside down. There is nothing wrong with you when this happens. We are humans, wired for connections. What matters is learning how to navigate this tricky terraine.

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If you're struggling with recurring conflicts, emotional disconnection, or unmet needs in your relationship, therapy can help. At Kaki Psychology, I work with individuals and couples to build emotional skills, improve communication, and foster deeper connection. Whether you're navigating relationship challenges or seeking to strengthen your bond, tailored therapy can provide the support you need.

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