Lovebombing in friendships: When love feels overwhelming but hollow — is it really love?

We talk about love bombing a lot in the context of romantic relationships.

But can love bombing happen in friendships too?

It absolutely can — and it’s just as confusing.

In fact, because we don’t talk about it as much, it can leave you feeling even more alone and unsure whether you’re “overreacting” or “asking for too much”. We can be more alone in our inner conflict and less likely to see it for what it is

What Love Bombing Might Look Like in Friendships

In friendships, love bombing can involve:

• Intense praise, constant communication, attention, and gifts, potentially leading you to feel overwhelmed, guilty, or pressured to reciprocate.

• Big emotional gestures, high emotional intensity, and declarations of closeness— followed by withdrawal or inconsistency. You feel pressured to match their energy, but also confused by the unpredictable level of demand and affection. Yet, you're unable to address this with your friend.

• Constant seeking for reassurance and validation, and to be shown affection.

• Discomfort when you spend time or share a close relationship with others.

The Missing Piece: Being Seen and Met

At first, the attention might feel flattering or even intoxicating. But over time, you might notice feeling trapped, exhausted, or unseen — like the friendship is more about their need to feel loved by you or to be given the experience of intimacy, than your need to be known and for them to be accountable to show up and do the hard work that actually fosters intimacy.

You feel like you’re performing, than experiencing intimacy and safety in your relationship.

Over time, you might notice feeling overwhelmed, guilty, or like you’re walking on eggshells. You find that your friend is emotionally dependent on you, you feel responsible for taking care of their feelings, thus making it hard to set boundaries, communicate honestly, or even expect to have your own needs met. You notice they aren’t really seeing you — they’re seeing the version of you that they’ve created in their head that fits their needs. While you're placed on a pedestal, it feels lonely and painful. You might start feeling boxed in, flattened into an idea rather than met as a full, complex person with real needs and differences.

This kind of dynamic can feel confusing and subtle. After all, they’re so nice. They say all the nice, right things.

But when you try to express a boundary, a difference, a need — it’s either dismissed or twisted. You can't get through to them, they aren't open to you expressing your experiences in the friendship. This causes a real cognitive dissonance — you're angry at someone who is overtly being nice to you. So even though you feel frustrated and resentful, you turn that inwards into guilt, self-blame, self-chastising. You might even end up apologising or justifying their behaviours.

"Why am I like this? Why am I so critical of others, and so ungrateful?"

You might tell yourself you should be better. You double down on your efforts to make this friend feel appreciated, the way they “clearly” appreciate you. 

The Subtle Control Behind the Bomb

This can all feel like a subtle form of soft control. It’s when someone uses niceness, affection, or idealisation to steer the relationship — not in an evil or malicious way, but in a way that avoids real intimacy. 

“I’ll keep you close, but as how I need you to be.”

Psychologist Harriet Lerner, in her book The Dance of Intimacy, talks about soft control — a way people try to manage relationships by appearing loving, generous, or giving — but underneath, they’re controlling the emotional tone of the relationship to avoid real mutuality and accountability.

Soft control can look like:

• Offering help or love that looks selfless, but actually serves their need to feel important, needed, or superior. They offer and express love in a way that does not correspond to how YOU actually experience and receive love. It sometimes feels like they don’t actually know or understand you and you have to convince yourself to receive their love.

• Smothering you with affection or “kindness” to pre-empt any negative feelings you might have.

• Managing how you see them — ensuring you always see them as “the good one” — instead of allowing space for true conflict, disappointment, or complexity.

It’s about protecting their self-image or their emotional comfort — even if it’s unintentional. They’re able to feel good about themselves — the loving, giving, supportive friend — without actually engaging with the messy, mutual reality of real connection. They project a fantasy of closeness, generosity, loyalty — but not to who you really are, including your boundaries, needs, and complexities. They perform affection, generosity and seeming patience without addressing real ruptures or needs. They might think:

If I just keep being nice, I don’t have to face my guilt, fear, or inadequacy.

And if you push back, or need something different, it can feel like you’ve broken an unspoken rule:

“Stay who I need you to be so I can feel good about myself.”

But,

True relational connection isn’t about how nice or complimentary someone appears to be, nor how much they express they care and love you — it’s about how they respond to your reality, your emotions, and your needs; to really attune to you and show you deep understanding and foster emotional safety.

When You’re on the Receiving End

It’s painful to realise that underneath all the seeming warmth and niceness, there is no actual space for your real emotions, needs, and growth.

You feel trapped and you don't know how to exit, because who exits a friendship that is so "nice"? And because it’s so wrapped in niceness, it’s hard to name — even to yourself.

If you’ve experienced this, you might feel:

• Guilty for wanting more space or clearer boundaries. You feel mean, ungrateful, too sensitive, too demanding…

• Confused about why you feel drained when they’ve been “so nice.”

• Resentful but you chastise yourself for it and doubt your judgement.

• Invisible, because your authentic needs aren’t truly met or acknowledged.

You might wonder:

• Am I being too sensitive? Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

• Shouldn’t I just be grateful that someone cares so much or likes me this much?

But the truth is: Real intimacy involves mutual curiosity, emotional risk, and space for difference — not just grand gestures or relentless positivity that glosses over the real ruptures and gaps you are trying to address within the friendship.

If you’re constantly feeling like you’re questioning “what’s wrong with me?!” in your relationships, because you’re feeling things you’re telling yourself you “SHOULD NOT” be feeling, it may be a sign that you’re in a subtly, but surely, emotionally controlling relationship.

If You’ve Experienced This

If you’re recognising this pattern in a friendship, you’re not alone.

If you’ve ever felt unseen — wrapped up in someone’s idea of you rather than a commitment and attunement to meet where you really are — you’re not imagining it.

It is subtle, it is painful, it is confusing, AND it is real.

I know. It’s easy to doubt yourself when the “injury” is wrapped in kindness and warmth. I know it’s SO SO HARD to address this problem in a friendship. It’d be much easier if there were mean words exchanged, or a clear argument. I know it’s hard to even think about walking away. Visible injuries are always much easier to be acknowledged than subtle, insidious, internal ones.

But I also want you to know this:

You’re not wrong for noticing that something feels off.

• You’re not being “too sensitive.”

• You’re not overreacting.

• You’re not making things up.

• You’re not asking for too much.

Your body, your heart, your intuition — they’re picking up on something real. You’re allowed to trust yourself, even when the outside picture looks “nice.”

You deserve relationships where you are seen, heard, and met.

• You deserve relationships where your emotions are taken seriously.

• You deserve steady, consistent care — not confusion dressed up as affection.

• You deserve to feel safe, not indebted.

• You deserve to be loved for who you truly are, not for the role someone wants you to play.

• You deserve a love that listens, not just a love that performs.

• You deserve a connection that makes you feel more like yourself, not less.

If you’ve confronted them about their behaviour or try to reset healthy boundaries, it’s likely that your friend may avoid accountability by refusing to acknowledge, compromise or by abandoning the relationship altogether. This can leave you feeling confused, disoriented or like you somehow failed to fix things. You may experience a lot of grief. You deserve support through this.

As always, such topics require nuance. To be clear, some level of emotional dependency, your displays of affection, demonstrating your love through overt gifts or expressions, asking for love and affection…are not in and of themselves reflective of a “lovebombing” relationship. Do not pathologise each of these on their own. They are normal parts of a relationship.

Reflection Questions 🖋️

• When have I felt “loved” but also invisible in a friendship?

• How do I know when someone is responding to who I really am versus who they want me to be?

• Were your needs and boundaries welcomed — or subtly avoided?

• Did you feel free to show your full self, including your “no” and your needs?

• What small signs tell me that I am being truly seen and respected?

• What feels different in relationships where I feel safe to have needs, limits, and real conversations?

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Navigating relationships can be very tricky, especially when it involves subtle forms of relational injury that isn’t readily recognisable. At Kaki Psychology, I support clients in developing clarity, validating their experience, building assertiveness, recognising their needs, and creating relationships that feel balanced and supportive.

📍 Kaki Psychology, Prahran, Melbourne
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