Why Must I Apologise? The Psychology Behind Saying Sorry

Apologies can be hard.

Our brains work overtime rationalising and justifying all the reasons we don’t have to, even as we wrestle against guilt and the natural human urge to connect and repair. But why does saying sorry feel so uncomfortable? And why is it so important for our relationships and personal growth?

The Psychological Resistance to Apologising

When we are caught in shame, the last thing we want to do is apologise—because that would mean sitting even longer in the discomfort of our shortcomings. Research on shame and guilt suggests that shame is often associated with a fear of being seen as fundamentally flawed, whereas guilt is tied to specific behaviours that can be amended (Tangney & Dearing, 2002). In other words, shame makes us want to avoid apologies, while guilt signals that we might need to take action to repair a situation.

It’s easier to push down the feeling, negotiating with ourselves: *It wasn’t my fault. I didn’t know. They could have handled it differently. They were mean about it too. So, do I really have to say sorry?* This internal battle can leave us feeling stuck, even when we know deep down that an apology could bring relief.

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The Power of a Sincere Apology

Apologies can go a long way. Not only do they support our own growth by allowing us to confront and accept our humanity, they also deepen the intimacy and trust in our relationships. Research shows that genuine apologies can reduce interpersonal conflict and promote forgiveness (McCullough, Worthington, & Rachal, 1997).

A sincere, unprompted apology—without a defensive "but" attached—brings a soft, open energy into an interaction. It allows the other person, no matter how upset or guarded, to relax their defences. They see that you prioritise the relationship over being right, which in turn invites them to acknowledge their own feelings and perhaps even their own role in the situation. This fosters mutual understanding and emotional repair (Lazare, 2004).

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Small Apologies, Big Impact on Society

Even in interactions with strangers, an apology can make a difference. Imagine accidentally cutting someone off in a parking lot. You might notice their angry gesture and justify to yourself:

“It was a mistake. They didn’t have to react that way. It's awkward to go over and explain.”

Without an apology, that person may carry the frustration forward, thinking, “People are so inconsiderate!”

But if you take a moment to acknowledge the mistake and apologise sincerely, you might shift their entire perspective—on that moment, on their day, even on humanity as a whole. “Oh, she didn’t mean to cut me off. She apologised, that was nice. I don’t have to be angry anymore”.

Research on prosocial behaviour highlights that small acts of kindness and accountability, like apologising, can have a ripple effect on social interactions, promoting more cooperative and trusting environments (Grant & Gino, 2010).

A win-win.

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The Fine Line: Apologising Without Over-Apologising

That said, as with any advice, this must be taken with discernment and context. If you tend to over-apologise or take on excessive emotional responsibility, this may not be advice you need to apply frequently. Chronic over-apologising can sometimes stem from low self-esteem or a fear of conflict (Keltner & Anderson, 2000). In such cases, it’s important to differentiate between necessary apologies and those that stem from a habit of self-blame.

However, even then, it depends on the situation. A balanced approach involves recognising when an apology is warranted and offering it sincerely—without diminishing your own self-worth.

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Conclusion: The Courage to Apologise

Apologising is not just about admitting fault; it’s about courage, emotional maturity, and prioritising relationships over ego. When done sincerely, it can mend relationships, reduce tension, and foster deeper human connection.

So, the next time you find yourself hesitating, ask:

“Is my resistance about protecting my ego, or minding what others do or don’t do; or is there something I can take accountability for?”

You might find that the hardest part isn’t apologising—it’s deciding to do it.

Stay brave. Sometimes, the uncomfortable decision makes a real difference—not just in someone else’s life, but in your own. You can do hard things.

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References

- Grant, A. M., & Gino, F. (2010). A little thanks goes a long way: Explaining why gratitude expressions motivate prosocial behavior. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98 (6), 946-955.

- Keltner, D., & Anderson, C. (2000). Emotion and social power: Expressions and experience of anger in individuals and groups. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78 (5), 774-789.

- Lazare, A. (2004). On Apology. Oxford University Press.

- McCullough, M. E., Worthington, E. L., & Rachal, K. C. (1997). Interpersonal forgiving in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73 (2), 321-336.

- Tangney, J. P., & Dearing, R. L. (2002). Shame and guilt. Guilford Press.

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Effective communication is at the heart of healthy relationships—whether with a partner, family member, or colleague. If you find yourself struggling to express your needs, navigate conflict, or feel truly heard, therapy can equip you with the skills to communicate with clarity and confidence. At Kaki Psychology, I help clients develop self-awareness, emotional regulation, and meaningful connection through practical, evidence-based strategies.

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