Finding The Right Therapist - Comfort and Chemistry Matters

Why Finding the Right Therapist Matters

Therapy is an incredibly personal journey. The right therapist can help you feel safe, seen, and supported, while the wrong fit can leave you feeling misunderstood or even discouraged from seeking help altogether. Yet, many people assume that choosing a therapist is simply about checking their credentials, seeing what therapy techniques they use, and hoping for the best.

Finding the right therapist can feel overwhelming, especially if you’ve never been in therapy before or have had experiences that didn’t quite feel like the right fit. The process can be much like meeting a new friend or even going on a first date—you are assessing compatibility, comfort, and trust. So how do you go about choosing the right therapist for you? Let’s break it down.

1. Chemistry and Comfort Matter More Than You Think

Many people believe that as long as a therapist is qualified, they should be able to work with anyone. But just like in friendships or romantic relationships, some people naturally feel like a better fit for you than others.

Think about the first time you meet someone new. You pick up on their energy, their warmth (or lack of it), and whether they make you feel at ease. Therapy is no different. When you meet a therapist for the first time, consider:

• Do you feel comfortable speaking with them?

• Do they seem engaged and genuinely interested in your experiences?

• Does the conversation flow naturally, or does it feel forced and uncomfortable?

If something feels off in your initial sessions, trust that feeling. Therapy works best in an environment where you feel psychologically safe to open up.

At the same time, don’t expect instant connection. Some therapists may take time to warm up or for you to build comfort. Sometimes, it takes two or three sessions to develop a fuller picture of how well you align. If, after a few sessions, you still don’t feel like it’s the right fit, that’s okay—it’s important to honour that.

That said, be mindful of why you’re feeling disconnected. If you tend to struggle with trust, discomfort might not necessarily mean the therapist isn’t right for you—it might just mean that therapy is pushing you in a direction that feels vulnerable. Before deciding to move on, ask yourself: 

Is this discomfort about the therapist, or is it about me being challenged in a way that is ultimately helpful?

2. Your Instincts Are Valid (Even If You Doubt Them)

For those who have experienced trauma, it can be difficult to trust your gut instincts. You might find yourself dismissing discomfort and convincing yourself that you are the problem—that you should “just stick it out” with a therapist who doesn’t feel right.

As mentioned, it’s okay to give it a few sessions to see if you warm up to them, but if after two or three sessions you still don’t feel like they get you, it’s okay to move on. Therapy is an investment in yourself, and you don’t have to force a connection that isn’t there.

I would encourage you, if you feel able to, to provide feedback to your therapist. Relationships involve feedback from both parties about their experience, and the feedback is an opportunity. If your therapist is able to accept your feedback well and make a positive change, then this could allow you both to continue working together and even deepen your trust in your therapist!

3. Avoid Being Overwhelmed by Therapy Jargon

Therapists often list acronyms in their profiles: CBT, ACT, EFT, EMDR, ISTDP. While these are evidence-based approaches, they may not mean much to you. Rather than getting caught up in what type of therapy they practice, focus on how they work with clients.

Questions to ask:

• "Can you explain your approach without using therapy jargon?"

• "How do you believe change and healing happen?"

• "For someone with my concerns, what would therapy with you look like?"

A good therapist should be able to explain their approach in a way that makes sense to you, without making you feel like you need a psychology degree to understand it.

The way they respond will give you insight into their sociocultural framework, personality, their flexibility, life experiences, and whether their approach resonates with you. If a therapist struggles to explain their work in a way that makes sense to you, they might not be the best fit.

4. Don’t Be Afraid to Switch Therapists

Many people stick with the wrong therapist out of a sense of obligation. They worry about hurting their therapist’s feelings or assume that because they’ve already started, they should keep going. But therapy is for you, not for the therapist. If something isn’t working, it’s okay to look elsewhere.

It’s important to note that therapy isn’t always comfortable. A good therapist will challenge you, and discomfort is a natural part of growth. However, if you consistently feel unheard, dismissed, or uncomfortable, that’s a sign that this therapist may not be the right fit.

5. Therapy Is About Connection, Not Perfection

No therapist is perfect, and no single therapist will be the right fit for everyone. The key is to find someone who makes you feel safe, understood, and supported while also helping you grow and challenge yourself.

If you’ve been struggling to find the right therapist, give yourself permission to be selective. Trust your instincts, ask the right questions, and know that finding the right therapist is a process—one that’s worth investing in for your long-term well-being.

Important Disclaimer - Honour Your Needs while Giving Therapy A Fair Chance

It’s important to be open-minded in this process. If you’re too quick to leave therapy at the first sign of discomfort, you may find yourself in a cycle of believing that no therapist is the right fit. This can leave you feeling hopeless and frustrated, reinforcing the idea that help isn’t available to you.

However, if after a few sessions you genuinely feel unheard, misunderstood, or not emotionally safe, it is okay to move on.

Many people expect therapy to be a space where they feel good, validated, and comforted—and while that is often true, therapy is also about growth. Growth requires discomfort, and a good therapist will gently challenge you. Psychological safety is important, but be careful not to let it be avoidance.

Final Thoughts

Finding the right therapist is a process that requires patience, openness, and self-awareness. It’s okay if it takes time, and it’s okay if you don’t click with the first therapist you meet. Finding a therapist isn’t about finding the best therapist—it’s about finding the right therapist for you. Therapy is an incredibly personal journey, and you deserve to work with someone who makes you feel heard and supported.

Stay open, stay curious, and most importantly, be honest with yourself.