The Perfectionism Paradox: When "Striving for Excellence" Becomes an Echo Chamber of “Not Enough”.

That word – perfectionism – is everywhere these days. Often, it's used with a positive spin, almost as a badge of honor. We've all heard the (half) joke about the job applicant whose "weakness" is being a perfectionist, unable to stop until everything is flawless.

The positive connotation to perfectionism makes sense. Often, perfectionistic concerns can drive perfectionistic strivings, and those strivings can certainly lead to impressive achievements. Despite the benefits, it’s important to go beyond the colloquial usage of it as humour or compliments, and get clear about the pain and loneliness that can come with perfectionism.

For many, the pursuit of perfection becomes a relentless, self-destructive cycle that hinders self-acceptance and connection with others.

This is the perfectionism paradox. The striving for ‘completion’ and ‘better’ never leaves one actually feeling that way, but in fact maintains or strengthens those feelings.

Beneath the polished surface of high achievement often lies a crushing fear of rejection and criticism. You’ve built self-esteem and confidence that can feel incredibly slippery and fragile. Talking about your struggles can feel too threatening so you avoid doing so. Or, you try to and then backpedal, making it hard for others to help you. I see this a lot in therapy, where clients come seeking help but also find it (and unknowingly make it) really hard to accept help.

Perfectionism can manifest in different areas of life. For some, it can be about excelling at work. For others, it can be about physical appearance, interpersonal reputation, emotional control, or character attributes.

Character attributes?!

Yes. For example, some people hold perfectionistic expectations for their morality. They expect themselves to always be “generous, kind, understanding” and to be thoroughly considerate in social settings. They have a demanding and rigid definition of a “good person” and can be harsh with themselves when they miss the mark.

However it manifests, perfectionism can be associated with:

• A persistent sense of failure, regardless of the actual outcome. No matter how hard one works, it never feels enough. You demand a lot of yourself, you judge yourself harshly, and you minimise your successes. It’s like you’re your own “super strict, never satisfied” punitive teacher or parent, constantly criticising. The goal posts changes each time. You never feel good enough while you’re pursuing your goal, you think you won’t be successful; and then when you finally achieved your goal, you feel ‘silly’ for making a big deal about the goal and you minimise its difficulty or value.

• Gnawing guilt, even when intentions are good. This can take on many forms:

  • Guilt for "offending" others without meaning to (“When I said that, I might have come across like…and made this person feel…”)

  • Guilt for providing input or help (“I was so presumptious, I must have seemed arrogant”)

  • Guilt for not being "nice/selfless/thoughtful enough" despite already being generous and considerate

• The ever-present specter of imposter syndrome – the fear of being exposed as a fraud, incompetent and unworthy.

• The tyranny of "shoulds" and "could haves," a constant barrage of self-imposed expectations and hindsight rumination using 20/20 perfect vision.

• Heavy post-event processing, replaying every interaction, every decision, every word. Ruminating on what could have been done better, accompanied by intrusive feelings of cringe, shame, self-loathing, and chastising.

Perfectionism is insidious and can manifest in many ways. This is a common area of challenge that I help clients with. What will work for you specifically is something that needs to be explored in therapy. Nevertheless, the work will ultimately involve allowing yourself, or more accurately DARING yourself to perform at less than perfect. Through this, you can experience tolerating the discomfort of perceived gaps and the potential negative perception of others, and realise that

1. Life goes on

2. No one crowds around you to scorn or punish you

3. You still meet your goals

4. You’re probably free to enjoy yourself more or get more done.

Every time you release a creative work into the world, or take an action, or show up in a social interaction despite only being maybe 70-80% satisfied with your output or confident in your abilities, you’re developing your ability to tolerate the distress of “not enough” and do it anyway. Over time, you gain more freedom to do things without feeling like the stakes of preserving your ‘reputation’ or track record are sky high.

My dear perfectionists, you may be one of the hardest workers, yet are hardest on yourselves. I understand the struggle, and I want to help.

If you're finding yourself stuck in patterns of perfectionism or being overly hard on yourself, know that you're not alone. Therapy can provide you with the tools to break free from these cycles and develop a healthier, more compassionate relationship with yourself.

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If you're looking for a Melbourne-based psychologist who offers tailored, evidence-based therapy, book a session today. At Kaki Psychology, I offer a supportive, non-judgmental space to help you explore the root of these behaviors and create more balance and self-acceptance in your life. Whether you're looking to address perfectionism, build confidence, or learn how to set healthier boundaries, I'm here to help.

Take the first step towards self-compassion today—contact Kaki Psychology to schedule your session. Let's work together to move towards a more fulfilling, balanced life.

📍 Kaki Psychology, Prahran, Melbourne
✉️ Book a session today by completing the Contact Form
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