Relationship Advice: The Emotional Skills That Break Negative Cycles and Transform Relationships

Have you ever felt like you and your partner are stuck in the same argument, over and over again? Like no matter how much you talk, nothing really changes?

This kind of repetitive conflict can feel exhausting, frustrating, and even hopeless. But what if I told you that the reason you're stuck isn’t just about your differences or the thing you’re arguing about—it’s about missing emotional skills?

Many of us were never explicitly taught these skills, yet they play a huge role in how we navigate relationships. The good news? Like any skill, they can be learned and strengthened.

Let’s dive into two crucial emotional skills that can help you break out of the cycle and create deeper, more fulfilling connections.

1. Self-Observation: Emotional Awareness Allows for Connection

One of the biggest barriers to resolving recurring conflicts is a lack of self-awareness. If you don’t fully understand what’s happening inside you, how can you explain it to your partner?

What is self-observation?
Self-observation is the ability to step back and notice your own internal experience—your thoughts, emotions, and how they connect to the situation. It’s about recognising:

• What exactly am I feeling?

• What just triggered this feeling?

• How is this shaping my reaction?

• How is my partner’s reaction making me think or feel?

• Do I understand what is going on or can I ask my partner more questions about what they need?

• What is my partner observing in me? Can I see this in myself? What may explain the discrepancy between what my partner is observing, and what I’m observing.

Without this awareness, it’s easy to misinterpret our own emotional responses and react impulsively, OR, to minimise what’s going on and perceive the conflict as a non-issue that you want to quickly move forward from.

Example:
Let’s say you share something important with your partner, and they don’t respond the way you hoped. You immediately feel hurt and disappointed. But instead of recognising that emotion, you lash out:

"You never listen to me. You don’t care about what I say!"

Your partner, feeling attacked, gets defensive. Now the argument shifts from your unmet emotional need to a battle over who’s right and who’s wrong. The real issue—your need to feel heard—gets lost. You’re now stuck in an argument you don’t see a solution for, even though the solution for the real issue — where you can teach your partner the response you needed —- is available.

Your partner too, if they lack self-awareness, may only notice their anger at feeling misunderstood, and not notice their confusion. If they have awareness of their confusion, they may be able to ask, “What made you feel I didn’t care? Because I do, and I’m not sure how I made you feel this way”.

You see how these awareness opens up a new path forward for your conversation?

How to build self-observation:
Self-observation is a skill that you have to develop on an ongoing basis through regular practise, even when you are not in conflict or distress. Get into the habit of asking yourself:

✔️ What emotion am I experiencing? Beyond what is obvious to me, are there other mixed feelings?
✔️ What just happened that triggered this emotion? What does that tell me about myself?
✔️ How is this affecting my response? Do I feel distanced or too close to the problem?

By practicing self-observation, you create the ability to be more aware of how you’re responding and the impact on yoru interactions.

2. Persistence: Why Expressing Your Needs Isn’t Enough

A common piece of relationship advice is to "express your needs." And that’s great advice—but it’s only step one.

What happens when your partner doesn’t get it right the first time?

This is where the emotional skill of persistence comes in. Many people assume that if they express a need once and their partner doesn’t respond, it means their partner doesn’t care. But that’s not necessarily true.

Change takes time. Just because your partner heard you doesn’t mean they’ve fully integrated your request into their daily habits.

Example:
Let’s say you tell your partner, "I want more affection."

Maybe they try once or twice, but it’s not exactly what you were hoping for. You feel disappointed. Instead of clarifying further, you withdraw and think, "I told them what I needed, and they didn’t do it. Maybe they just don’t love me enough."

This is where gentle persistence makes all the difference.

Rather than giving up, you could say:

"Hey, I love it when we cuddle on the couch after work. It makes me feel so cared for. Can we make that a daily habit?"

And if they forget, instead of shutting down, you might say:

"I noticed we haven’t been doing our cuddle time lately—I really miss it. Can we bring it back?"

Persistence isn’t about nagging. It’s about reinforcing what truly matters to you while allowing space for your partner to learn and adjust.

Why These Skills Matter (And Why Many People Struggle with Them)

A lot of people believe that emotional intelligence is something you either have or don’t have. That you’re either affectionate or you’re not. Expressive or closed-off. Good at relationships or bad at them.

But that’s not true. These are all skills that can be learned.

If you didn’t grow up with these skills being modeled to you, it makes perfect sense that you might struggle with them now. Many of us were never explicitly taught how to identify emotions, articulate needs, or persist in healthy ways.

The key takeaway? Your emotional skills are not fixed. You are not stuck the way you are. With awareness and practice, you can develop the tools that will help you create stronger, healthier relationships.

Final Thoughts

Next time you find yourself in the same recurring argument, ask yourself:

1️⃣ Am I practicing self-observation? Do I understand what’s happening inside me? Am I responding with awareness or not?
2️⃣ Am I practicing persistence? Have I given my partner the opportunity to really understand and respond to my needs? Have I given up due to my frustrations and feelings of rejection, or can I persist and continue to gently request?

These two skills alone can create a massive shift in your relationship. And if they don’t come naturally to you yet, that’s okay. Like any skill, they improve with practice.

If you’re ready to break the cycle and build emotional skills that truly strengthen your relationship, therapy can be a powerful space in building emotional resilience. Follow along other blog posts for more insights on emotional skills and relationship growth.

—

Your early relationships shape the way you connect, trust, and respond to others in adulthood. If you find yourself struggling with emotional intimacy, fear of abandonment, or repeating unhealthy patterns, exploring your attachment style and early developmental experiences can be transformative. This will help you with recurring conflicts, emotional disconnection, or unmet needs in your relationship.

At Kaki Psychology, I work with individuals and couples to build emotional skills, improve communication, and foster deeper connection. Whether you're navigating relationship challenges or seeking to strengthen your bond, tailored therapy can provide the support you need.

📍 Kaki Psychology, Prahran, Melbourne
✉️ Book a session today by completing the Contact Form
📞 Book a free 15-minute Discovery Call to discuss your Therapy Needs

—

For more insights on building emotional skills, improving relationships, and managing life’s challenges, check out my video reels on Instagram (@kakipsychology). These bite-sized psychoeducation clips offer practical strategies to help you cultivate emotional awareness, improve communication, and navigate relationships with confidence. Follow along for more expert guidance!